One of the reasons I always make sure I have an online journal of some kind at my disposal is in case I feel compelled to emulate or record the brilliance of Bill Simmons. He is simply the funniest writer I've ever read - no exaggeration. The way he brings such irrelevant subjects into his "sports" column is just wonderful. Here is a great point of his that I wish to take a bit further.

Q: Are you aware that T-Mobile offers a ringtone that's the radio call of the Red Sox winning the World Series? Please try to stay on top of things, seriously.
-- Ben, D.C.


Simmons: In the words of Johnny Carson, I did not know that! That's wild! That's wild, wacky stuff! But I'm glad you brought this up -- I can't wait for the day when everything is available as a ringtone. And I mean, EVERYTHING. I want to download a ringtone of Cosell screaming, "Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!" for 30 straight seconds. Can we make this happen, People In Charge Of Coming Up With Ringtones? Please?


Not only is it ludicrous how many things are being used as ringtones... but I LOVE the idea of having particularly irritating ringtones at my disposal. To me, a phone is supposed to sound like a phone! Not like someone accidently sat on the play button of your CD player with the volume turned up all the way.

Now don't get me wrong. Being a huge wrestling fan, I'm love entrance music. I feel society should embrace entrance music for most people and most occasions. When I come into work, I want to hear "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley accompany my entrance, and I want everyone else to hear it too. But there is a vast difference between going "Oh, someone new is here", and "Oh, someone has a phone call". Do you greet people for having a phone call? No, because it is generally not a worthwhile event to acknowledge. If anything, a phone call is a brief, inconveniant, often rude occurance. And this is what people are blasting their crappy music about.

So here is my solution. I'm going to find the inspector gadget theme. Not the most annoying song, but it will do the job for the purposes of this example. I'm going splice out all but the first five seconds. And then it is going to loop. It is just going to be the "Dum Da-Dum Da-Dum - INSPECTOR GADGET"... and then immediately do it again. No high notes. No "Go-Gadget-Go". Just the same ten notes... over and over again. And I'll save this for when I am with annoying phone girls - lets face it, there is a serious gender issue with this flavor of stupidity. And I'll let it ring, and ring and ring. As long as I can before answering it. That way that jingle gets stuck in their heads. And believe me, I've tortured people by playing just that part of the song on the piano... truly a sadistic method of torture. Like acid (the chemical type, OR the drug now that I think about it), the damage lingers over time. :)